Dating: Discuss Children and Future Life Plans
When future direction affects whether you want to keep investing, raise it at a suitable time. Share current wishes and distinguish certainty from exploration. Understanding each other is more useful than assuming someone will later change.
Three practical steps
- Separate settled preferences from open questions.
- Ask whether the other person is willing to discuss future life, then explain your present view.
- If directions differ substantially, discuss what that means for continuing.
Important questions can be separate conversations
Children, location, work and marriage may connect, but need not be settled in one sitting. Begin with meaning rather than demanding an entire timeline. Clear differences deserve accurate recognition.
A filled example
Illustrative example: one person wants to raise children and the other has chosen not to. They acknowledge the difference rather than using more dates as a plan to change each other.
What to do with your observation
| Observation | Next action |
|---|---|
| Both are exploring | Understand current views and open questions. |
| Directions are settled and different | Discuss what the difference means for continuing. |
A worksheet you can use
My current view: ____; importance: ____; uncertainty: ____; their direction: ____; implication for next steps: ____.
What if the other person does not know yet?
Clarify what remains uncertain and decide whether that situation works for you, including your own expectations and time.
Evidence and scope
The original examples and worksheets help organize a decision. Adapt them to your circumstances and verify specific conditions with the relevant provider.
Perel and Miller discuss shared relationship expectations. Our planning worksheets are original. Esther Perel and Mary Alice Miller: The Other 3 Little Words: I Love You, But—What Are We?
Sources and further reading
Esther Perel and Mary Alice Miller: The Other 3 Little Words: I Love You, But—What Are We?
This collection in Chinese and English · Life possibilities library